My Wife Is Bisexual

This is to be the first of many posts on this website concerning the topic of my life as a heterosexual man married to a bisexual woman.  Let me explain how I got to this point in my life.

Meeting my wife was a very surreal experience.  I have dated many women in my life, but when I met my wife, I knew that she was the one.  Let me rephrase that, something was telling me she was the one, even though I may have not initially believed the voice that was telling me.  I know this sounds rather quirky, but I have never experienced anything like that ever before in my entire life.  I had never been married before her, but had dated quite often and been in several longer term relationships.

So, while we dated over several years, I had this recurring voice reminding me that this woman was the one.  I would constantly fight and question this voice, but I always found it to be correct when contemplating the reasons why I might be being told so.  Please don’t think of me as crazy.  I literally thought it was crazy as well, but this voice turned out to be 100% correct.

My wife and I have been married for well over a decade.  We are very compatible and love each other greatly.  We share many common interests and enjoy our time together.  We have had our problems as well, which is true of any marriage I am sure.  When trouble hit us, we were always able to work through it and make our marriage that much better.  However, a few years ago, things started getting weird.

We became more distant to each other.  Sex became less frequent.  We were not communicating with each other as much.  My wife seemed to shut herself off to me and I did not know why.  She had some unhappiness about certain aspects of her life, career, and self, but I thought of it as nothing any more abnormal than what most anyone else may be going through.

Then through a series of events, my wife came out to me as a bisexual.  This coming out not only included her new orientation, but the revealing of lies and infidelity as well.  I was pretty crushed.  Where had our great marriage gone wrong?  Why did I not notice any signs of what was going on?  What did all of this mean?  We shed tears and talked like we had never talked before.

Come to find out my wife had known she liked women as well as men since she was in junior high.  She explained that her attraction to women was very infrequent and involved only a few select women across her life.  Her “crushes”, as she calls them, involved 4 women in her life.  All other matters of love involved men.  Her more recent infidelity with a woman was her first physical, sexual, and emotional relationship of it’s kind.  She explained that it has more to do with who the woman is than merely that the person is a woman.  This woman she had an affair with was a close friend and one that I knew of.

My wife also explained that our recent marriage issues relating to lack of sex, communication, and her unhappiness was in direct coorelation to the process she went through identifying her bisexuality and acceptance of that part of herself.  The lies and infidelity were a consequence of her fear of my reaction to her feelings toward women.  She stated she did not know how to tell me and lacked the courage to do so.

Before she came out to me, I literally thought my wife was going through some personal issues that only she could work out.  Little did I know, I couldn’t have been closer to the truth, I just didn’t know nature of the issues as she would not talk to me about it.  Whenever I would try to talk to her, she would push me away asking for some space.  We both agree in hindsight, this was not the way to go about it because it did cause me to drift away from her as well leaving us both with barriers around us that prevented us from communicating with each other.

After some initial anger, confusion, and resentment over her lies, infidelity, and lack of communication, I began the process of seeing my wife for who she is.  Not only was she afraid to tell me about her infidelity, but she was most afraid of my acceptance of her as a bisexual.  Just as a person might fear others reactions to coming out as gay, she feared my total rejection of her as a spouse, a friend, a lover, and an individual.   It was not easy at first, but with time, I was able to realize the seriousness of what it was that she had been going through.  I soon became understanding and compassionate, something I think she was hoping for to begin with.

My final acceptance of her ended up surprising her and myself.  Why should I accept her?  Shouldn’t I just divorce her, if not for her being bisexual, but for the infidelity at least?  Well, that brings us back to the whole “the one” thing.  If you love someone enough to marry them, what would you be willing to do to keep a marriage alive?  That’s what I began to examine.  So, my wife needs love from both men and women in order for her to truly happy in life.  Who am I to deny her that?  Who am I really?  Well, I am her husband, a friend, a lover, a companion, and much more.  So, why should I not support her in this need?  Besides what mainstream society and religion says, there’s really not much of a reason not to.  What are the alternatives?  Divorce…..remarry a heterosexual woman…..live happily ever after.  Would it really be that easy?  I think not.

So, here I am.  A supporting husband of a bisexual wife.  What has our life been like since her coming out?  We talk about everything.  My wife is very happy and so am I.  Our sex life is much more frequent and very different, which is a good thing.  You could say that our marriage as we knew it is over and we are embarking on a new life together.  I’ve always loved my wife.  I love my bisexual wife today just as much.

~ by straighthusband on August 20, 2009.

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